Saturday, July 21, 2007

The one where I hate this feeling I'm feeling

Here's a post where I'm trying to express what I'm feeling inside. Maybe to try to let out what is going on in my mind. As of late I do look a little lost. I'm not sure how this post will turn out, but just see where all the typing takes me. To sum it up in song, listen to James Morrison's The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore.
I'm the type of person who keeps everything inside regardless how I feel. I know its not good and probably be the death or currently downfall of me. For one, I keep my true feelings for someone inside. I care a lot for this particular someone but it seems we enjoy hanging with each other I fear we fallen into the 'friends zone'.
So why don't I just tell her how I feel. Well for one I don't want to spoil it all by saying something stupid like "I love you". And two, because the last time I did that it didn't turn out well. But that was probably ill-advised and wasn't really in my league.
If I was enjoying hanging with her, why do i feel like this. Earlier this week I suddenly felt what I felt was not there. Have I fallen out of whatever you call it. The timing sucks too. It happen on the week of her birthday. Her birthday just passed and I didn't get or done anything yet. Originally had something special planned, but deemed too much and probably would freak her out anyway. So had to change plans and for once I didn't have a back-up plan. I have been trying to look for a present but just couldn't think of anything sincerely. Totally my bad.
This 'falling-out-of' or 'drifting-away' phase is something I really hate going through. As now I just want to be alone. Stay in the solitary confinement of the four walls of my room, either playing games or surfing.
Why do I feel as such. Maybe reality hit me. Maybe it wasn't going anywhere long term. Maybe it hit me that she didn't feel the same way. Maybe we live different lives that I just wouldn't fit in. Maybe she is more happy where she is in her life. Maybe it will work. Maybe it will not work.
So in the end I bet you all are saying 'just tell her'. I would, but in my life, some things are better left unsaid.

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